Forget Indiana Jones 5. We want to drown our crystal skull-induced sorrows with a story about our favorite badass heroine. Here’s seven reasons why Disney should pull the plug on another twenty-years-too-late Indy follow-up and give us the flick we really want to see: the Marion Ravenwood movie.
1) Marion Ravenwood is a fighter.
The love of her life walks into the room, and what’s her first reaction? Punch the bastard in the face. Marion Ravenwood is a hard-as-nails survivor, capable of drinking hulking Sherpas under the table or taking out knife-wielding thugs armed only with a frying pan and her own razor-sharp wits. Raiders of the Lost Ark never did her justice, putting her far too often in situations where she needed a rescue. Do you really think a woman who could handle a tavern full of miscreants in remote Nepal would be incapable of getting herself out of a damned basket? She survived the burning wrath of God, for chrissakes.
2) She’s the daughter a world-renowned archaeologist.
Where do you think Indy learned his tricks? From his mentor, obviously. Abner Ravenwood was a preeminent archaeologist who brought his daughter with him as he traveled the world in search of the lost Ark of the Covenant. Marion has been living and breathing archaeology since she was a peanut, learning how to adapt and get by in exotic locales across the globe.
3) She’s ferociously independent.
Marion has been on her own since the mysterious disappearance of her father. She’s used to flying solo, and shows no inclination to want that to change. She only joins forces with Indy because the stupid Nazis he lead straight to her burned down her life savings. In Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull, it’s said that Jones ditched Marion a week before they were supposed to get married, but other canonical sources have Marion being the one to get cold feet, leaving Indy with a note: “I’ve got to get away. Don’t you dare come looking for me.” Since Crystal Skull is an abomination that deserves to be stricken from the record, we’ll go with option B.
4) She’s charming as hell.
That smile, guys. You could light campfires with Marion’s blinding charisma. Her pragmatism and adaptability see her quickly winning over friends and allies in places as diverse as a Himalayan outpost and the crowded streets of Cairo. Even animals love her. Add to that whip-smart intelligence, hard-nosed pragmatism and a willingness to get her hands dirty, and you’ve got a recipe for a heroine who doesn’t have to be costumed like a swimsuit model to keep audiences enthralled.
5) Marion’s torch can effectively be passed.
We love Karen Allen, but Indy fans are far more likely to accept a new star stepping into Marion’s shoes to fill in as-yet-unknown parts of her story than they would replacing iconic Harrison Ford. Must have freckles and a smile charming enough to blind passers-by.
6) Disney’s been kicking ass with strong female heroines lately.
Disney took control of that other George Lucas franchise, and what did they do with it? Girled it up, and did it damned well. If they could make Rey the star of the new Star Wars stories, why can’t they put a lady at the heart of the Indiana Jones universe?
7) We already know the story.
I mean seriously, folks—they’ve already set this up beautifully. Her archaeologist father mysteriously vanished while tracking down clues to the location of the Ark. What happened to him? Was he crushed in an avalanche? Eaten by a Yeti? Held prisoner in Shangri-La? The only reason Marion didn’t set out looking for him sooner was because she had to hold booze-drinking contests to raise the cash for the trip. Once she realizes she doesn’t want to play housewife while Indy flirts his way around the world, what’s to stop her from setting out to discover the true fate of her old man?
8) Series potential, people.
Even if we accept the Crystal Skull timeline (and I am by no means advocating for that), there’s still a solid two decades of Marion’s life to be filled in. You really think she just sat around the house, teaching Shia LaBeouf how to eat his vegetables? I say she leaves the kid with John Hurt and goes off to break manly hearts and save the world a few times over.
So wise up, Spielberg. Can Indiana Jones 5 before you pass the point of no return, and make the movie we really want to see.